Postponing Means Getting Late

It’s been a while since I hit “Publish” button last time. I’ve became busy with many things. Full time job is one of them. And I must confess it changes the way I feel and perceive the life. But it take a lot of time as well, therefore I’ve been postponing writing another long form piece. Till now.

It’s almost midnight, but I get off the bed to make at least this small article. To break the silence cycle. To stop planning and finally do, what I think is important. Something, that stacks over time. Something, that I own.

Living the dreams

It is tempting, to endlessly figure out there is a reason I couldn’t do something today. It is easy to get used to getting busy, and keeping myself busy. I’ve spent years living this cycle and ending on the dirt shoulder. And that’s not something I want to keep doing.

Dreaming about the other day, that will be ideal, with my ideal morning routine, exercising, reading and learning and getting everywhere on time... ahh that would be a perfect day. But I can’t squeeze a 4 hour long plan into 2 hours. Parkinson’s Law is a thing, but that’s not a magic trick. Walking a 4km with speed of 4km/h takes exactly 1 hour. No matter what are my goals, expectations, deadlines etc. It’s time to grow up.

Postponing as a coping mechanism

I learned this idea the other day. And while reflecting I understood that’s very true. Blaming reality for not matching our expectations. That’s immature. And it’s a dead end. That’s the opposite to taking the responsibility for my own life. When life is saying that’s not working. Still insisting that someone or something didn’t let me do that.

Nope. Face it. Own it. That’s me. Lack of planning, wrong priorities and preference of being busy. The good part? Higher level of consciousness leads to deeper reflection and possibility to indicate these problems. That’s helpful for any goal. And especially helpful when trying to fix your life.

Experimenting

I stayed a while longer tonight to finish this note. As my current life remind me an experiment I did 2 years ago. After giving up smoking after a while I decide I want to try how it all starts. I started vaping again, keeping in mind that’s a temporal experiment.

I have noted first changes on around 3rd day, when I felt I got that feeling I need to vape. I’ve been experimenting to understand how addiction builds up and whether it is possible to control it.

In general it went well, I think it took me another week or two to finish my vape liquids and face a hard cap of not buying more. Then another around 2-week long cycle of getting rid of physical addiction.

Resume

It wasn’t about starting or giving up. It wasn’t about taking risky steps. It was about learning things about myself. And I understood I am much stronger then my desires. And these are actually easy to overcome when there are strong boundaries, limits or goals set.

Now getting to that full time job. Tonight I caught myself I let myself drown in this cycle of problems and busyness. And it’s not about doing nothing during working hours. That would be a nightmare for me. But I realized I got involved in someone’s else game. Of course, I’m not the one benefiting from it in long term.

When I started it was a short moment of relief, but I understood that’s not about being safe and knowing I got the money by the end of the month. It became easier, cause I have someone who defines the goals for me. And then the other day that clarity was taken away. I realized I couldn’t make it without the prior experience I got during last years. But that seems to be not enough, so I’m using existing context to become stronger.

What is needed - is sticking with the goals and keeping some space for living and resting. Even during working hours. Single 15-minutes lunch break is not good for my health.