A Trap Between Boredom and Loneliness

Anyone who learns early how to be self-sufficient receives a great gift from life. This doesn’t mean their life will be easy, beautiful, or effortless, but the ability to distinguish between feelings and desires is as essential as the ability to read road signs. It won’t make a bumpy road smooth, but it helps us navigate more effectively.

I wasn’t among those fortunate enough to develop this skill early. But I don’t see it as a loss—I’m capable enough to make my way through. However, the power of self-understanding and self-honesty is hard to overestimate.

Boredom

For most of human history, survival depended on being part of a group—family, tribe, or society. Today, we no longer need a tribe to survive, but we still require resources for exchange to compensate for this lack of communal security. This is the reality of the 21st century.

The instinct to belong remains deeply ingrained in us. We constantly search for connection: a spouse, friends, colleagues, or a team. We want to be part of something bigger than ourselves, often ignoring whether a particular group truly suits us.

This is where we risk confusing boredom with loneliness. Instead of recognizing boredom as an opportunity for creativity, we instinctively seek out others to fill the void. We look for someone to influence our lives, tell us what to do, and inject meaning into our existence.

Sometimes, this manifests as a need for control. We take on responsibilities that were never ours, sacrificing our own well-being to "help" others. Often without their request or need. This behavior can persist for generations, mistaken for virtue rather than dysfunction.

Spending our time chasing external goals as a substitute for genuine fulfillment is not truly living—it’s living someone else’s life. This disconnection ultimately leads to loneliness.

Loneliness

When we feel lonely, what exactly are we missing? Love? Care? Attention? The answer varies, but a fair exchange between giving and receiving is crucial. True, balanced interactions don’t feel like loneliness when absent. Instead of running from isolation, we should focus on fostering meaningful experiences.

But why do we feel lonely? Is it because we crave recognition, the chance to prove ourselves, or the validation of others? Do we need someone to witness our existence for it to feel real?

In truth, loneliness is rarely about others. Life is rarely about others. Everything we do, we do for ourselves. Most of the time. But we often hide this fact behind good intentions.

This realization was difficult for me. The hardest part of being honest with myself was acknowledging that my desire to help others was driven by my own needs. And there is nothing wrong. Just when I genuinely wanted to help, it felt effortless and natural—there was no tension, no hesitation.

But for years, I followed what I had been taught: help others when they need it. This definition lacked an essential guideline. Do I actually want to help? My feelings and willingness were absent from the equation. I "sacrificed" myself to do the right thing.

That kind of sacrifice drained me. It left me exhausted, depleted, feeling being used. I lacked the ability to set boundaries, to say no, to prioritize myself. Once I learned to do so, the feeling of loneliness disappeared. I still feel bored sometimes, but rarely lonely.

Now, when I sense loneliness creeping in, I ask myself: What part of me am I trying to suppress? Then I let that part take the lead: Okay, you decide—where do we go? What do we do? The loneliness fades. And when action begins, boredom fades, too.

Conclusion

For a long time, I confused boredom with loneliness. These emotions were deeply embedded in my personality, reinforced by unhealthy habits I had unknowingly followed. The key to overcoming loneliness was to become an interesting person to myself.

Sometimes, I still feel the urge to meet people, to discuss ideas, to hear different perspectives. But that’s not the same as the hollow void of loneliness.

Boredom, on the other hand, is valuable. It is a catalyst for creativity. Ideas, solutions, dreams, and plans arise from moments of idleness. Yet, we often fear boredom and rush to fill it with distractions, mistaking busyness for creativity.

Let yourself be bored. Allow stillness. Don’t fear pausing to appreciate the world as it is. That’s where the best ideas are rooted.