I know many people, who are proudly saying “I am doing things good, or not doing it at all”. I am among that group of people. But in last time amount of cases I have used this phrase for drastically lowered. This is the result of effort switching from idealistic mindset to “builder” or “learner” mindset.
This is one of the most powerful and unlocking change that may happen in the life. Taking permission of doing things without aiming for perfection unlocks enjoyment. Enjoyment - unlocks happiness, it unlocks enjoyment, enjoyment brings consistency and so on. After all - it becomes much more pleasurable to keep showing up and leads to increased chances of getting to the result.
Recent events in my life forced me to get back to this thoughts and write about it.
The paradox of faulty better
In Russian we say “better is an enemy of good”. This is simple truth, nevertheless it is denied way too often. It has many layers and we should start on top of it.
Let’s imagine you are a big fan of coffee. And you know - the best way to have a coffee - is to have a coffee with milk. High quality coffee, high quality, fresh milk. Yummy... And now you have your friend at your place and you offer them a cup of coffee. They accept it, and explicitly asks for black coffee. Sounds simple, right?
You, as a best host and friend are thinking: well, I know the best coffee is made with milk. I won’t make a black coffee, instead - I’ll make my favorite coffee with milk. And you just do that. And bring your friend a cup of delicious coffee with milk. What a pity, you didn’t know your friend is lactose intolerance and can’t consume any diary.
How much is your extra effort and best wishes worth? By the way, if that’s a sort of toxic environment - host may feel offended because guest refused to drink this coffee. You made your best effort, made the best coffee ever and someone refused to drink it. Humiliating!
Better as a way to control
Now let’s take a look on the same event from a different perspective. A guest made their choice and explicitly expressed preferences and decision. This is natural, this is totally fine. Humanity had a long trip till this point where it is possible and safe to decide about ourselves.
When host decided to make it better - they took that possibility of anyone to decide what to it (in this case - what to drink). And this ends up with a true conflict. Host behavior might be called many ways. Can (and often is) positioned as hospitality, care, love. In reality - it’s a way to hide control.
It may go even deeper. It might be a way for host to raise a conflict and get into the victim role of Karpman triangle. And then the play begins. Guest from lovely person becomes a rude, ungrateful intruder. Sad, but real.
I(n)tera(c)tive improvements
Such kind of improvements must be interactive and iterative to keep these graceful and truly positive. First of all - a simple addition to an offer might help to avoid misunderstanding. Asking about an “upgrade” shows true care about the guest interest and willing to serve (not to decide).
Second - there is a chance you can learn more about your guest. For example: learn about the fact of them being lactose intolerant. This may lead to a new experience gained together - both having a cup of black coffee. Imagine there is a way to enjoy coffee without a milk. Having a piece of chocolate instead. This might be a new discovery for you.
Summary
When we silently are trying to upgrade someones experience we are often stepping on a slippery road. Not knowing exactly all the details (and we never do) - we may bring discomfort or additional risks rather than improvement. Sometimes they need a glass of tap water to wash their teeth. Providing premium mineral water is a waste of resources.
With this simple example I wanted to explicitly show how “making better” can make things worst. This wasn’t discussion about the best way of having a cup of coffee. This is applicable to any area of life, as soon as other people are involved.
If you are now scared of offering coffee - drink and offer a cup of tea. Remember, you can add milk there as well!