Giving up on painkillers, part 3

After quitting all I have been doing for many years for the first time I felt I can do anything I want. However, feeling I can do anything, does not mean I know what I want to do. Turned out this is a skill. Under normal circumstances it is developed naturally, while we are growing. It all depends on environment and context. Mine was different.

First steps towards understanding myself

Morning workout and walk became a routine, because I decided to do my best to avoid the pain. After a couple of months I find out it stays a routine, because I enjoy it.

What a feeling it is. Wake up when it’s dark, but feeling rest. Go out on the chill winter morning. And when the frost hits the skin, and the warmth of home is gone, body reacts with a tremble. First thought that comes to my mind is “how good my home is, it’s comfy and warm there”. Instead of getting back there I smile and speed up, to warm up. These are great moments.

By that time I sold my gaming PC to free up more time and move away from destructive behavior. After all I was feeling bored when playing games. Instead I started spending my days on reading books, watching YouTube and kept myself busy with 3D printing.

That was the time I was learning about psychology, different diseases and unethical practices (aka toxic behavior), concentrated on detection and standing up to these behaviors. This led me to realize that, despite the friendly tone, I was overexposed to toxic environment. Friends and groups I was belonging were another painkillers meant to silence the loneliness and pain. “At least I’m not alone...”. As soon as it stopped - I had to face my loneliness.

Loneliness

Focusing on the inner world is not a panacea. And it is not the goal. In general we are meant to keep contacts and serve the people around us, exchanging ideas, goods and services. For me, realizing the fear was my driver revealed a weakness I hadn’t acknowledge before.

Cutting the chains left me in the outer space. When I stopped meeting others’ expectations, I found myself without the support system I’d once relied on. It is easy to make a decision to become better, it is hard to execute. And environment, usually, makes it even harder. But what does not kill us - makes us stronger, right?

That’s right. Stronger and lonelier. And there are 2 choices: get back to those “painkillers” and finding new ones with a different flavor. Or stop feeling lonely. Becoming an interesting person for myself. With my great ideas, deep thinking, unique perception. Even now not all of my thoughts are pleasant and positive. By that’s why I’m journaling and publishing part of my story.

Moreover I have access to brightest minds that ever existed. And those, who are living right now. It is not exactly the same as having a tribe by your side. However, surrounding yourself with the thoughts and ideas of bright minds matters a lot. Despite the limiting form of books, podcasts, youtube videos. I found that’s the way I can surround myself with inspiration and useful insights to fill the missing puzzle parts in my perception.

Keep moving, even direction is unclear

As soon as spring came and it started to get warmer I went to the bicycle shop to get a bicycle for myself. That was the beginning of a great journey, I’ve mentioned it many times and nevertheless it deserves a separate article. I was suffering for around 2 months. The pain was moving across my body, changing spots at least once a week. Despite the pain I was going out and cycling. The feelings and happiness I was feeling after each ride was motivating to do it again and compensating all the pain.

On average I was riding for around 30km, discovered a lot of interesting places in the nearest area. In the beginning I was splitting the mileage into at least 2 parts. I’ve been grabbing my kindle and pedaling 15km to the seaside, where I’ve been spending an hour or two walking and reading. Then getting back home. I had no other idea what shall I do with my life and I focused on my physical and mental health. This could not be wrong decision.

Becoming a “better me” is not a long walk. It’s a deep dive.