I hit a 3-year checkpoint on my journey. Journey, that I will be following for the rest of my life. Journey that has a path and no goal.

This isn’t advice — it’s a letter to myself from year three of learning how to live.

3 years ago pain invaded my life to motivate me to start moving. To move my body, to do things despite how hard I think it is to do these and how afraid I am to think about it. And at this point I see a major change. Not on my account or the way I spend. It’s about how I feel and what makes sense.

This article is a part of my personal journey and discoveries. Thought here ain’t innovations of any sort, yet these makes so much sense and I’d love I understand them before. This is why I find it reasonable to share. Stories of other people helped me. I don’t see myself being much more important to not share mine observations and lessons.

Self-love is what I’ve been missing

In total I’ve spent around hundred hours listening and reading about self-esteem, self-love and self care. It is simple yet so hard to explain and learn. Because learning means doing differently. It’s hard.

Self-love was about meeting my own demon’s and shadows and keep loving myself for that. Or despite of that. Even better - just love myself. Knowing there are dark sides. And remembering I am a good person. And actually living that way, like a good person.

And good persons are making mistakes. Good person can have a bad day. Misunderstand or misread. Overreact. I’m not my actions. But I build my life with my actions.

Becoming friends with ego

Sometimes it is still tempting to follow that feeling of being miserable. Blaming anyone but me. How bad world is. Unfair. Everyone’s cheating or trying to take advantage over me.

The last one might be true more or less. But there is nobody else except me to take care of myself and stop them. There is me preventing myself being exploited. There is just me, noticing signs of fatigue, exhaustion. Improper attitude, misbehave. It is on me to ACT.

Some may respect it. Some may don’t like it. While ones might find it interesting - others will find it lame. At the end of the day what matters is me. There is nobody else I can and I have to make happy.

And being happy sometimes means making someone’s else unhappy. It may require acting harsh, loudly closing the door.

Opening new doors

We can’t keep endless doors open. We can’t be friends with anyone. We’re traped in our bodies and we can’t be united with the Universe. That’s the game. Any attempts to ignore it leads to failure. That’s the lesson.

The lessons can repeat for the entire life. Or we can pass the exams faster. It’s on us. I’m personally fed-up with repeating all the same lessons. There was no other way to accept it the way it is. And then it changes. Attaching positively or negatively prevents us from changing it.

Getting back to those doors, right. Opening doors requires closing already known and opened previously. Creating new opportunities means saying “no” to already existing. Leaving a space for something new means rejecting what’s in front of us.

Saying goodbye to wrong people. Polite way. After all they did their best to help me learn the lesson.

Canceling wrong deals. These deals are not aligned with my values or goals. Some of these were actually good.

No matter how good something might be - it might not be suitable for me. And this is enough to say “no”. “Goodbye”. Or leave. I learned to catch these attempt of depreciation and reframe these feelings. It is not because the dish was too hot or too cold. It is me not being a big fan of duck meat.

I might enjoy that chocolate ice-cream that someone’s hating. We still might have a drink together. Or run a business. The lesson here is to meet at the place where they have that chocolate ice cream and a duck.

Summary

The topic feels so deep for me I have to cut my thoughts off at this point. The only lesson here is I made my steps towards understanding myself. It was uneasy, yet satisfying.

It didn’t made me a guy who can teach others. Not at this point and in the nearest future. I am set to keep my ego far away from that state and myself - further away from this kind of mindset.

Instead it makes sense to share stories. Stories, where good end is earned with tears. Where friendship comes through the lonely days and nights. Where value is discovered inside, not the outside.

And there are million stories happening each and every day around us.

And there is only one story that truly matters for me.

How many doors have you closed?