Comfy failure zone

I figured out there is something wrong, when failure feels a better option. I bet many people might not understand how is it possible, to become comfortable with failure. Yet it is possible, and there are much more people than we could imagine who suffers from it.

Because of ability to adapt being a double-edged sword. It can help us survive. And it can become a trap, when used unconsciously or driven by toxic behavior patterns.

We can’t hide raw emotions

Despite all the civilization and culture we feel people more than we think. And we tend to pay a lot more attention to those negative aspects and emotions. Because these might threat us. If someone is afraid it is very natural to double check what’s going on. If there is a valid source of the fear we shall react to stay alive. I doubt we are able to defeat that mechanism.

However, social limitations and norms made it more complex to deal with these cases. And we say we shall accept everyone and treat equally. But the reality is different, and not everything can be solved with norms, procedures, policies etc.

Fear, that we perceive as a strong, raw emotion launches many mechanisms. On the other side there are mechanism of our psyche that protects us. A combination of these powerful mechanisms creates many combinations. Victimization or victim mentality is one of them.

The fear prevents from execution, self-doubts blocks acting from “I might get lucky” perspective and person moves to survival mode. Keeping all the problems, unhappiness and dreams for himself. And it always gets out.

Inability to utilize and transform aggression takes away the huge amount of energy, that is covered behind it. It is negative when it’s raw and uncovered, but becomes a powerful friend when it is transformed. Unluckily some people were never able to experience it in positive way, therefore spend their lives trying to hide it. Till the moments they explode, that happens from time to time.

Poor victim model

A victim mindset used to be paired with passive aggression. At least these how most of the cases I have experienced looked like. In this mode person is deeply upset and unhappy. But the only way to deal with all that is to hide it. That’s the only way we know to deal with that.

“Someone (everyone) around me are causing me feeling bad” - is the most accurate definition of the way world is perceived. Someone else is disturbing me. Someone else is not helping me. Someone, somebody, everybody...

This mechanism makes such type of behavior extremely toxic. Self-doubt does not help in trying other ways for cooperation with people. For example: directly expressing unhappiness or asking for help is problematic, because it may cause negative causes. Paiful refuse or unwanted confrontation.

Victims don’t play solo

It may be unclear how it is possible to become comfortable within toxic patterns. And wider picture gives us the reasons it is so. Despite it is a trap for all involved individuals there are benefits for the victims. Deep fear of consequences cause by direct communication creates a reversed loop, where reaction comes before the action.

A victim creates a negative reaction before there is an event, that could cause it. Instead of asking for help directly I can get offended because nobody offered a helpful hand. Despite my request for help could have a high chance of success I choose the negative flow upfront. And this causes major problem for everyone. A person I could request help from - has no chance to make his own decision. I, instead of getting into the positive scenario and get help I wanted choose a negative scenario. And in the end it creates a solid ground for manipulations, because I pretend I got offended. Complex, toxic, full of negativity.

After realizing the way this behavior works I wander no more why it was challenging to make friends. I don’t mean it is easy to make deep connections, but all the negativity is making it even more complex.

Looser’s comfort zone

There are more reasons that adds value to the pain and suffering. And we can’t give up on what we perceive as high value, no matter how bad it is for us. Instead we are getting used and comfortable with that situations. And we get comfy there.

Looser’s comfort zone is oscillating around the feeling and behaviors I have described above. I’m not professional and may describe it inaccurately from scientific perspective. But I went through these processes many times myself. It is not something to be proud of, but I definitely want to end it.

And here is the main point of this article that came to my mind. I caught myself thinking about failing once again, victimize myself and get back to the previous state. At the same moment I saw that somewhere deep inside of me there is a part that wants me to fail. Because that’s easier. I know how it feels. Because it feels safer. It’s familiar. It’s tempting.

But I know I haven’t spent last years fighting daemons to follow the next one. Not sure how many there are and how long will it take. I don’t want to choose a failure anymore.

Summary

My attempt to write a short article didn’t really work. I went deep into explaining mechanisms to introduce victim mindset. However initial idea was to describe my feelings on temptation to fail, quit, run away from new changes and challenges. While thinking and writing I found out these are related. This feels connected, thought. From rational perspective failure provides a reason to victimize myself.

What I can’t find out is the part of me that wants failure. Sometimes I feel how calming failure is. My video got 0 views for 5 days? Well that’s sad, but it’s calming. It’s fine. Nothing changes. That’s comfy.

How much seeking of the comfort influences my actions and causes I produce shitty videos, articles and content? Why I am preventing myself from becoming successful? I don’t have an answer, not yet. But asking the right question is 70% of the result. Now I’m fed up and I don’t want to stop at 70%, 80% and even 99% anymore.